Show Me How Big Your Brave Is
by A-Star-Trekked-Sherlockian
Summary: The crew of the USS Enterprise has been brought back to Earth to await the possible recovery of their captain. However, Spock is not taking being alone entirely well. Considering the likelihood of Jim even waking up is unknown Spock finds himself not being able to concentrate on anything but Jim's death. This will take it's toll on our Half-Vulcan in more ways than one.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay so I have wanted to write this for a few weeks now and I'm finally getting around to doing it! **

**Show Me How Big Your Brave Is**

_"I'm scared, Spock..." choked out Captain Kirk, "Help me not be..." _

___His eyes searched my own for a comfort that I could not give. _After a long pause he spoke again.

_"How do you choose not to feel?" he asked, his eye line dropping to the ground._

_"I do not know. Right now I am failing." I spoke, struggling to hold back the tears that I so rarely felt the anguish of trying to control. I watched his eyes fight to meet mine once more._

_"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die... Why I went back for you..."_

_"Because you are my friend," I finished for him. My tears were now uncontrollable and I let one run down my face freely. Coughing, Mr Kirk placed his hand to the wretched glass that kept me from pulling him out of there. I placed my own on the other side, it formed a Vulcan salute and he did his best to copy with it with his remaining strength. We found each others gazes once more and he revealed the weakest of smiles as I worked to get my emotions under some sort of control again. The Captain coughed again and his gaze lifted to the ceiling. His body went still. I continued to look at him for a moment as his hand slipped down the transparent barrier before I grew angry._

_"KHAAAAAAAAAN!" I shouted with all my strength; with all my worth._

I woke with a start. My sleep had been disturbed by my own temper. I pushed myself forward and leaned on my hands as I looked around for the time. The clock displayed that it was 3:21 a.m. That was the 4th time this week that I had been awoken at an early hour of the morning due to my reoccurring dream. Wiping the sweat off my forehead I laid back down on my pillow to see whether I could regain any sense of sleepiness.

The damage had been done though; I was now wide awake. I sighed to myself and rubbed the encrusted sleep from my eyes. Instead of sleeping I decided what to do with the day. Without a captain the USS Enterprise had been grounded and the entire crew was brought back to Starfleet while we awaited the news on our captain. We had been kept busy however as they decided that they would put us through training exercises every now and then until we could continue on our missions.

Today was our first training exercise, although I had decided to go and visit the Captain first. He is, after all, primarily more important than an exercise of any sort. I did not think that the medical staff would be very fond of me turning up at this early hour of the morning so I turned onto my side and tried to fight my way back to sleep.

After having gained merely 20 minutes worth of sleep since I first woke four hours ago I decided that getting up at half past seven was not an unreasonable time. I stumbled across the soft carpet towards my wardrobe and pulled out my uniform for the day. It was slightly creased in places because I had not had the motivation to iron it since we returned. I simply slipped it on and picked out a pair of socks. I walked back across the carpet barefoot and towards my bed to put them on. They were grey, just like everyone else's at Starfleet and so I luckily did not have to worry about picking out a pair that matched.

Taking a quick glance around my room I scanned for anything I might need to take with me. I settled on the fact that if it was a training exercise no writing would be required and simply set off out the door. Half way down the long corridor of bedrooms I saw Dr McCoy leave his own room, his eyes looking almost as tired as my own in the dim light of the morning.

"Ah, Spock! Are you going to see Jim this morning?" he asked as he locked his door behind him.

"Indeed, Doctor." I nodded in return as I walked in his direction. Not because I wished to speak to him, but because the way to the canteen for breakfast was down there. It was not that I didn't want to speak to the rather demanding doctor but more that I did not have the time, nor the energy to do so.

"Did you see him last night?" he questioned again.

"Of course I did, Doctor." I replied once more, almost determined to walk straight passed him however I was in luck. Dr McCoy went the opposite way towards medical; apparently he was not eating breakfast this morning. I found myself wondering whether that was entirely healthy. A doctor such as himself should know how important breakfast is.

I rounded a corner and found myself in the large canteen and picked up a tray. The system of food at Starfleet was different to that of the one on the USS Enterprise. The Enterprise did seem entirely more practical and easier but nevertheless I joined the queue at the serving counter. I looked up at a clock as I stood there and sighed. I had already spent 20 minutes getting here.

Despite my earlier judgement of Doctor McCoy not eating breakfast I too abandoned my attempt. I left the tray on the side and walked out of the line, back across the shiny tiles of the canteen and out into the corridor. It was then when I was confronted with Lieutenant Uhura in the doorway.

"Good morning, Spock." she said lightly and smiled as she skirted around me slightly.

"Good morning, Lieutenant." I said back in the same tone however forced it was.

"Have you already, eaten?" Lieutenant Uhura tilted her head as she asked. I merely shook my own in head and made to go out of the door once more. She, however, had other ideas. She placed her hand on to my chest and pushed back into the room. I opened my mouth to protest but she gave me one of her stern looks and I felt it necessary to abide by her requirements. I turned around and got back into the queue, drumming my fingers on my tray in impatience.

The line moved aggravatingly slowly that day and I am sure we were moving at a snails pace compared to my earlier years at the Academy. I huffed out a sigh and Lieutenant Uhura patted my back in sympathy. It was not enough though and her hand felt strange on my back, less like a comfort and more like a pitiful gesture. I was not in the mood for pity.

"Lieutenant, I really am going to have to go now. I have other duties that require my attentions." I spoke confidently as I turned around to see her.

"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day," said Lieutenant Uhura in parrot fashion, "Other duties can wait, can they not?"

I thought back to Captain Kirk lying in his hospital room alone and unconscious and simply shook my head.

"I am afraid that they cannot." I replied but at this moment my food was handed to me and I was ushered towards a table.

"Too late now," she said with a small smirk as though she had seen this coming and she sat down opposite me at the table. I frowned and looked down at the brown bag of food sat on the ceramic white plate I had been given with distaste before emptying it's contents. Moments later we were joined by Mr Scott and Keenser who were promptly followed by Ensign. They were each holding a tray of the same food and sat down around the table.

I looked up and nodded my greetings to them as they took their seats. The group started to accumulate conversation topics to which I did not add my opinion.

"What are doing in today's training exercise?"

"I think we're working with some of the new phasers."

"That should be wewy eenteresting."

"I agree, Chekov."

Picking at my food I wrinkled my nose. I just had to stay here long enough to make it seem like I had eaten and then I could leave. Honestly, I was not hungry anymore considering I had been awake since half three this morning and I felt my eyelids growing heavy. The rest of the group clattered their cutlery noisily and scraped up their remaining morsels on the plate. They were obviously hungry enough to eat unlike myself.

I pushed my chair back after another 5 minutes and walked to the near by bin before emptying my plate quickly.

"I will see you during the training," I stated to my group blandly and briskly walked out of the door. I was careful this time to not meet any more members of the crew that would force me into unnecessary activities that would prolong my visit to the captain any longer. I turned back down the corridor and towards the medical bay and made it to the outside of Captain Kirk's door in record time.

Looking in through the small window I could see the pristine machinery and furniture that laced his room so cleanly. Every machine made a tiny part of the background noise that was aggravating in the back of my head. They beeped and whirred and clicked. Frowning I pushed the door handle down and took a step inside.

To my surprise Dr McCoy walked out of one of the nearby walk-in cupboards and towards the captain's bedside. He held up a needle to the light and quickly placed it into Captain Kirk's neck. I had no idea what was in there but I grimaced nonetheless as I figured that it was something that was probably essential to keeping him going.

"Hello again, Spock." spoke Dr McCoy as he worked, jabbing more needles and fluids into various veins across the captain's body.

"Indeed, good morning." I replied as I took a step closer to the captain's sleeping body. "How is he this morning?" I asked, a slight catch in my throat was comprehensible and I tried to cough it out as though it was simply an error of illness not my emotions taking hold of me once more.

"No change from yesterday." Dr McCoy shook his head as I nodded with a sigh and he wiped the tip of another needle with a paper towel before placing it into his neck once more. It appeared to be the last one as once the syringe had been emptied and removed he placed them into a tray and then swiftly into a bin.

"I'll leave you for a bit." he spoke, acknowledging my look of aversion to the medical appliances being applied while I was trying to have one of the only moments I would get with the Captain all day.

"Thank you, Doctor." I responded with a bowed head as he left the room and took up the chair beside Mr Kirk's bed. I sat on the edge of it awkwardly and uncomfortably as I took in the looks of my captain's unconscious profile. I bit my lip in an effort to keep in my emotions and hold in the tears that might threaten to fall again. I was, however, more prepared this time as I kept a hold of my emotions instead of letting them loose the day that Captain Kirk had died.

Eventually I became slightly more relaxed and I sat further back in my chair. It was a good job I was very aware of my surroundings and alert of my emotions as I became slightly more accustomed to his sleeping look I could feel my eyelids getting heavier and sleep threatened to overcome me. This had been, after all, my fourth night in a row of having only 5 hours sleep maximum. It was not healthy and I knew that but still, Dr McCoy was fully aware that skipping breakfast was not entirely healthy either and he still did. At least he had control over whether he did that, my sleeping pattern was very definitely not in my control as I had found out during my time since we were brought back to Earth.

The racket of the machines in the background was enough to keep awake though and about half an hour later I got to my feet.

"It was good to see you, Captain." I nodded to the lifeless body and headed for the door. Just as I left I heard Dr McCoy re-enter the room and sigh heavily. I let out a sigh of my own as well and leaned against the wall outside his room, shutting the door behind me. Rubbing my eyes I told myself to stay awake and headed off down the corridor, my feet trailing behind me in exhaustion.

* * *

**So, the next chapter will be coming soon! I hope you liked it! I have also been through this chapter and changed any grammar or spelling mistakes that I made. If I missed any then I am sorry!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: The response that the first chapter has got has been so great! I can't believe how many people put this story on alert, favourited or reviewed it. So thank you! **

**Show Me How Big Your Brave Is: Chapter 2**

I had not realised that as I was leaning tiredly on the wall of the Captain's room that Scotty had been watching. He made his presence clear as he tapped me on the shoulder as I was walking away.

"Are you alright, Sir? You didn't quite seem yourself down at breakfast?" he asked with the tilt of his head and a hint of concern in his voice.

"I assure you that I am perfectly fine, Mr Scott." I nodded and held my hands behind my back neatly.

"Are you sure? You do look quite tired, maybe you should have a wee nap after the lecture this morning." he suggested as he patted me on the shoulder and turned a corner. Mr Scott had seemed quite light hearted in his concern for me which in it's own way was slightly more comforting. It was not pity that he radiated but a concern for my health which I welcomed a little more. I nodded in his direction as he left and leaned on the wall once more. Holding my professional stance had suddenly become quite tiring and I let out an ungainly yawn. I decided to set off once more.

I was walking down the corridor towards one of the Academy's main auditoriums when the two Lieutenants, Uhura and Sulu, rounded a corner. Lieutenant Sulu appeared to be counting something on his fingers, a grin gracing his face while Lieutenant Uhura laughed, dropping her head to look at the ground as she did so as if to muffle her emotion. He dropped his hand to the side as he saw me however and rather indiscreetly informed Lieutenant Uhura of my presence. She too stopped her actions as she looked up and the helmsman raised an eyebrow in my direction, his hands now clasped together behind his back.

"I'll meet you in the auditorium." I heard her mutter to him and he nodded once before walking in the direction I was heading in.

"How can I help you, Lieutenant?" I asked as I reached the conclusion that she had broken away to confront me about something.

"You barely touched your breakfast, Spock," she sighed as she walked over to me. Her footsteps echoed down the hall but they were the only noise I could hear, "And I sure you didn't eat much of your dinner last night either. In fact, you have either been eating very little with us or you haven't been showing up to meals at all."

Lieutenant Uhura unfortunately gave off the feeling of too much concern which had been the very feeling I was trying to avoid from my fellow crew members. Her eyes skirted mine and I did my best not to let my eyes form any sort of contact with hers as I shook my head to try and convey that I was not willing to take part in this conversation. I did not wish to discuss my late eating habits. She, however, took a step closer and I inhaled deeply. The Lieutenant stood on her tip toes and let a frown cross her lips. She raised a delicate hand and carefully raised it to my face. I followed her fingertip as it was brought towards my eye.

"You haven't slept at all, have you Spock?" she whispered, tracing the marks under my eye from the lack of sleep. I still continued to make no conversation with her and she dropped down to her original height. "Go and see Dr McCoy, Spock."

"What about the new weapons training, Lieutenant? We are supposed to group in the auditorium for the lesson on how to use them before we trial them at the end of the week?" I asked, now feeling that the conversation could no longer on in such a one-sided manner and forcing me to reply.

"Oh, so you were listening at breakfast," she raised an eyebrow and then frowned, "I thought we were working with them today? How do you know tha-"

I cut her off as to waste less time.

"We received notices about it yesterday, I must have been the only one to pick mine up." I spoke, thinking back to the piece of paper that had been lying inside my door yesterday morning.

"I see," she paused for a moment, "Well then, I'll see to it that you get a copy of the notes and bring it to you afterwards, then you can read up on it and you'll in the know for Friday, yes?"

"I really do not see why I shou-" I was the one to be cut off this time around as she patted my shoulder with a smile.

"Good, I'll explain your absence." she stated and continued to walk down the corridor that Lieutenant Sulu had also gone down. I did not wish to to incur the wrath of Lieutenant Uhura if I decided to go to the auditorium despite her request and so I turned to re-walk the route I had just taken. My own thought reminded me of a moment during our previous mission.

_"This isn't going to work." grumbled the Captain as we watched Lieutenant Uhura face an army of Klingons alone and unarmed._

_"It is our only logical option," I responded to the dubious captain while watching her intently, "If you interrupt her now you will not only incur the wrath of the Klingons but that of Lieutenant Uhura as well." I added for good measure, raising an eyebrow at the Captain._

I had been unaware that I had stopped walking as I remembered that moment until somebody in a Starfleet uniform bumped shoulders with me as he ran down the corridor. Quickly, I began to start walking again as more people came from various directions. I did not walk back the medical ward however. Instead I took a turn out of the main building and began a walk towards the library.

I did not need to been examined. I was perfectly fine, just not hungry and perhaps a little tired. It would change though as soon as the Captain woke. I would then find myself sleeping properly I was sure. There would be no awful flashbacks to awaken me every night in the early hours of the morning. There would be no horrible thoughts plaguing my brain of him dying and there would be no reason to worry. We had been back on Earth for 4 days now and the Captain could awaken any day now, we had all been told so what would the point of troubling Dr McCoy any further when my problem would easily be resolved in a few days?

With these thoughts I kept walking towards the library to await Lieutenant Uhura's notes from the lecture. As I pushed open the large glass doors of the library I looked at the large water cooler in the hall. I had also not drank anything during breakfast and I found my mouth in a state of uncomfortable dryness so I took one of the small plastic cups and filled it to the brim. I gulped it down quite quickly to my own surprise, I had not realised the state of dehydration I had become and so I filled it up once more and took into the main library with me.

It was relatively empty inside with most of the Academy students being in lectures at this point of the day. Of course there were students who did not have a class but most of these took to the outside world and not the inside of a library. I was in a state of wonder why however, as I set my little cup down on the table and went to fetch one of the holographic tablets. I had decided to use my time to maybe catch up on today's lecture before receiving the notes from the Lieutenant.

Swiping my hand across it's screen I typed in my name and password and brought up Starfleet's internal search engine. Searching the hard drives for the newest weaponry I managed to find the presentation that must have been used in the lecture that my crew members had sat through. I gave myself a satisfied smile at having found it and waited for it to load. I looked away from the screen momentarily to take another sip of my drink and find my eyes taking a while to adjust to the dimmer light. I blinked hard and the blurriness disappeared quickly enough as I took a drink and then placed the cup back down. The tablet beeped as the required the document loaded and as I looked back down the brightness burned through my eyes and into the back of my brain. It presented a searing pain in the form of a headache in my frontal lobes and I scrunched my eyes up slightly. I rubbed my temples and opened my eyes once more, the headache remained but the burning feeling had gone. As I tried to read the words my eyesight went blurry once more and I sighed in frustration.

The couple of students who had been at the surrounding students now looked at me in confusion as I gave out a disgruntled grumble at not being able to read on the bright screen. One raised an eyebrow while another gathered her things and clattered out of the room rather loudly.

I pushed away the holographic tablet and took another drink. At that moment I heard the sound of familiar footsteps. Lieutenant Uhura appeared from behind one of the bookshelves, brandishing a wad of paper with writing across them and a smile across her face. She took the seat opposite me.

"I brought you the notes, just like I said I would," she smiled cheerily and pushed them across to my side of the table and I nodded my thanks. "How did your appointment go with Dr McCoy?"

"It went fine," I replied simply, an answer that appeared to frustrate the Lieutenant. It was hard to lie to her, I had to rely on my half-human side of me to get me through this moment.

"Alright," she sighed, "Is there anything wrong with you? I hate to be blunt but I think you were going to avoid the having to answer the question if I did not ask you outright."

"I am fine, perfectly healthy in fact, Lieutenant." I said and stood up, pushing my chair backwards and hiding the small stumble that occurred from my still pressing headache.

"That is good to hear, but a little surprising." the Lieutenant spoke, raising and eyebrow and nodding her head. She did not join me in standing. I reached for my notes and grasped them in my hand firmly, my plastic cup of water in the other hand

"Thank you, I think." I spoke once more and began to walk away, my back to her.

"You just couldn't wait to get the notes before you needed to know everything, could you?" Lieutenant Uhura said with an exasperated sigh. I turned on my heel and found her holding up the tablet I had been working with. It was still on the page of the weaponry class and I bit my bottom lip with a sigh and turned away once more.

"No, I could not." I replied and briskly walked out of the building. I scrunched up the cup I had been holding and let the water spill over my hand as I did so, placing the ruined cup into the bin I walked past. I was not angry at the Lieutenant, I was in full control of my emotions. That is what I told myself at least. I was frustrated about not being to have read on the tablet, not only was I frustrated but I was also confused.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Okay, so I have no idea what happened with the last chapter. It took about 45 minutes for my account to register the new chapter but for some reason boosted it up in the archive without showing it. Then when it finally registered it took ages for it to actually show up on this story even though it said there were two chapters. Also, I know that some of the alerts didn't go through properly either so if you have not read chapter 2 yet I would recommend doing that because this is chapter 3. I really hope it never does that again because it was extremely frustrating at half 11 last night! Anyway, thanks for the reviews! They were greatly appreciated! **

**Show Me How Big Your Brave Is: Chapter 3**

I sat at my desk alone in my room, drumming my fingers across the lined paper. It was filled with words but they made no sense to me. They swirled around and went blurry every time I tried to focus on them. I got up from my chair and walked to a rather basic calendar that hung next to my wardrobe. We had returned to Earth on Sunday evening. Everybody else had gone straight to bed as soon as we arrived, nobody slept on board the Enterprise after the captain had died. I, however, did not go to bed once we had returned. I had stayed awake along with Dr McCoy. His duties had been relieved several hours after we returned and he had reluctantly gone for some rest. I could tell he was not keen on the idea though. I had stayed in the room, how I had been allowed to do this I did not know but I was grateful. My mind filled with the images of the beaten captain and tried to rid my brain of them but they stayed bright and vivid in my head.

I leaned against into my hands that were propped up against the wall of my room and I collapsed against it weakly. My legs wobbled as I remembered the beginning of being back on this planet

_They milled around Mr Kirk using the blood that Dr McCoy had synthesized back on the Enterprise and during the first few hours of being back on Earth to try and inject some life into the captain. I watched while they pumped more and more fluids and chemicals into his lifeless body and grimaced as he was man-handled in their desperate attempt to make a change. Nobody appeared to notice me, looking more forlorn than I would care to admit, in the corner. Either that or they did just not try to question it._

_"We need more of the synthesized blood, Nurse." called out Dr McCoy loudly and a woman in a white dress came rushing over. He injected the serum into the captain's arm while another nurse appeared to be placing a hypospray into Mr Kirk's neck.  
_

_"You need to sleep, Doctor." spoke an unfamiliar voice and Dr McCoy spun on his heels._

_"I refuse to sleep until I am satisfied that Jim has any chance of waking up!" he shouted in the face of the new doctor, spit flying from lips. His replacement did not flinch._

_"I know what I am doing, Dr McCoy. I will do everything within my power to give him the best outlooks." said the doctor calmly, placing a hand on to Dr McCoy's shoulder. He simply pushed it off._

_"He is my patient. I will be administering his treatment." he grumbled._

_"You have not slept in over 36 hours. You are not fit to carry out this procedure."_

_"Not fit my ass." he growled and turned back to the captain angrily._

_"Dr McCoy. You are relieved for the night." spoke the new doctor and Dr McCoy turned to glare at him. He dropped the serum on to a tray and I shifted nervously in the corner. Without Dr McCoy I would surely be told to leave. He grunted as he walked past me and slammed the door on the way out. _

_I went unnoticed for the next few hours and eventually the captain's room became quiet. The last nurse left and nodded to me as she did. I was still confused over why my presence was not evaluated and therefore dismissed as a conclusion. I took a few steps towards the bed and peered over to look at Mr Kirk's lifeless body lying on the bed and I shook my head. Tears formed once more and a certain anger for the monster who had done this overwhelmed me again._

_"Khan.." I whispered angrily to myself. The one who had taken away my captain would never be forgiven by me and for once I had not wanted him to live, to have the chance to defend himself. I had wanted to kill him on that trash barge. I did not care about the protocols that demanded he be given a fair trial. I wanted revenge._

I inhaled sharply. The feeling of emotion tried surge over me once more during that memory but I was fighting oppress it. I slammed my fist against the wall I was leaning on and forced myself to stand up straight and look at the calendar once more. We had returned on Sunday night, I had already been over that. I tried to find the day we were on now. Thursday. Lieutenant Uhura had given me the notes on our new weaponry yesterday evening on Wednesday and the weapons practice was on Friday which was tomorrow.

Somehow that information, which I had read in a rather misshapen way, formed logically in my brain and I was able to come to the conclusion that I would have time to go see the captain and read the notes before tomorrow.

I realised that my hand was throbbing from where I had hit the wall with a quite a force.

"I should have had more control than that." I lectured myself as rubbed the side on my fist carefully. Hitting the wall was a sign of preventing my emotions badly. I sighed and looked up at the clock. It had just gone past the 1 o'clock mark and realised that it was about lunch time. My stomach grumbled in protest of my lack of eating over this week yet I did not feel as though I had a very strong appetite. I supposed I better at least make an appearance to keep the crew happy though. Looking over back at the notes I had been trying to read I shook my head with a sigh and walked over to my door.

The pain in my hand still throbbed and a green bruise formed across my skin. I frowned at it. Surely I should not bruise. I hit the wall rather hard of course but I was half-Vulcan that should not have affected me. My confusion grew further and I shut the door behind me as I walked out on to the tiled flooring of the corridor.

I walked the well known path towards the canteen, my hand clasped behind my back as I did so for a couple of reasons. One being that it was a comfortable position to hold and the other being that I did not wish for my newly formed injury to be available for all to ogle at.

As I walked down the corridor I saw Mr Chekov walking down one of the junctions of the corridor. He stopped by the large double doors and greeted me with a smile.

"Good afternoon, Mr Spock!" he said cheerily and raised a hand in greeting.

"Good afternoon, Mr Chekov." I replied and nodded at the young man. We began our walk into the canteen and he stood behind me in the cue for our meal.

"I deed not see you in the lectwure room yestwerday. Lieutentant Uhuwa said you had been to see Dr McCoy instwead. Deed you catch up on all of the notes fwom the twalk? I can geeve you mine if you would wike?" Mr Chekov said, his smile never fading. I simply my shook my head.

"That will not be necessary, Mr Chekov. I received all of the notes from the Lieutenant but thank you for kindess." I spoke.

"Owhkay, Mr Spock. As long as you have what you need." We reached the end of the line and I picked up one of the smallest bags of food I could without seeming off character and carried it to a table. Mr Chekov followed with his food also. As we took our seats it was I that initiated the next conversation.

"Have you been to see the captain since we arrived back, Mr Chekov?" I asked as I held onto my fork and stabbed a small piece of potato. The young man looked a little surprised at my question.

"I went to see him with Lieutenant Suwu and Mr Scott." he nodded, "On Twuesday I thwink. When have you been?"

I looked down at my plate as he spoke, placing the potato piece into my mouth and chewing on the food. It tasted bland in my mouth and all I really wanted to do was spit it out but my ever grumbling stomach convinced me that I needed to eat whether I had the appetite for it or not. I kept chewing, the potato turning into a mush and I grimaced before swallowing it. If that was going to be the process for every bite I took, lunch would definitely take longer than I had expected. After I swallowed I replied to Mr Chekov.

"I see. I have been most days." I nodded, "I find it nice to be in his company, he is more agreeable when he doesn't answer back."

The smile widened on the Ensign's face and he let out a small chuckle.

"However, I do find the Doctors to be most frustrating." I continued, perhaps letting a little more out than was wise.

"I understwand, Mr Spock. I do have sowutwion for you thwough." He paused and placed his knife and fork on to his plate before leaning forward on his elbows. "The captwains woom is wather emptwy at night. If you wished to be awone for a whiwe then you may find thwat thwen is the best twime two go." Mr Chekov finished with a never fading smile and the tilt of his head. I blinked at the young Starfleet member and took in this information.

"Thank you, Mr Chekov. I shall take that into consideration." I chewed my way through enough 6 mouthfuls before deciding enough was enough and got to my feet. I picked up my plate and my dirty fork fell on to the ground. I bent into a crouched position and rested one hand on top of the table to keep me balanced as I picked up the piece of cutlery. As I did so I felt his eyes fixate on my hand. I paused, still bent and realised which hand I left atop of the table. It was my bruised one. I sighed, expecting a sudden onslaught of speech which would include somewhere about how I was not healthy and how I must go and see Dr McCoy. However the young one simply looked up at me once I had stood and smiled with a small nod before picking up his own tray.

"I shall see you water, Mr Spock." he spoke and walked away with his tray. I watched him leave and tilted my head slightly before taking my tray to a different cleaning bay and quickly leaving myself.

I spent most of the rest of the day outside. A few members came and went during the afternoon. Mr Chekov, Liuetenant Sulu, Mr Scott and Keenser were the first join me. I had taken refuge under a tree, it was away from a lot of the noise I did not draw attention to myself from over there. At some point during the day Mr Scott and Keenser left to be replaced with Lieutenant Uhura. Then Lieutenant Sulu left also and by the time the dark started to settle in only Lieutenant Uhura was left. Mr Chekov had wandered inside for a snack and had not returned.

"Have you read the notes I gave you yet?" asked Lieutenant Uhura quite suddenly.

"I... No, I have not yet. I was planning on doing it tonight." I replied, a little shocked at her sudden impudence.

"Of course you were." she answered back, a snarky tone hidden in her voice.

"Excuse me, Lieutenant? What do you mean by that? I detect a hint of saracasm."

"You know exactly what I mean, Spock." I, however, did not.

"Sorry, but I do not know what you are talking about. I simply have not had the chance to read them yet." I continued calmly if only a little confused at her seemingly random questioning.

"It does not matter. Why would you need the notes anyway? You clearly understood everything from the lectures files, despite not having attended." she shook her head and stood up, "I am going to bed. It is late. I suggest you do the same, Spock." she walked away from me quickly and I watched her disappear into her dormitory block. I too stood up but I headed into the main building instead. The rather large clock on the wall showed that it was now 10:34pm and I made my way towards medical.

Upon arriving I was slightly shocked at the quietness of the corridor. Apart from one or two night nurses roaming and doing checks on their patients the whole area was silent. The machines seemed to have quietened as well but I had a feeling that may have been my brain trying to silence them. I walked over to the captain's door and stood outside for a moment. Mr Chekov had indeed been right, his room was free from any doctor or nurse. I checked on his chart that was pinned outside. He was not scheduled for any checks that night either and so I pushed the door open. I closed it quietly as if worrying I may wake him. Of course that would be impossible but I felt the need to be polite

"Good evening, Captain." I spoke quietly as my eyes adjusted to the dimmer light of his room. The only source appeared to be coming from the stars outside because nobody had thought to shut his curtains.

"You do not know I am here but I would rather like to talk to you, even if you cannot talk back." I said as I walked towards the side of the bed. I sat on that terribly uncomfy chair once more but instead of sitting bolt upright and awkwardly I leaned forward just the smallest part.

"I have something to confess, Captain. I have been emotionally compromised." I admitted to his unconscious body. "I have not been performing to the best of my ability. I cannot sleep, Captain and I have no willingness to eat." I frowned and stopped talking for a moment, taking in a shaky breath.

"I know you have always wished me to embrace the half-human side of myself but I am afraid I am doing it at the wrong moment. I am feeling sadness, not the joy you always wished that I would experience. I wish to cry and not laugh." I bit my lip and exhaled a little bit, my eyes scanned his closed lids for any sign of life. Of course, it was futile

"I am not healing entirely quickly anymore, Captain. I have started to bruise." I shook my head and my injured hand reached out towards his own. Gently I lifted it into the palm of my hand. It was cold and limp.

"I need to sleep but it seems to be the hardest thing to do. I wish for you to know that I did not leave you side, Captain. As soon as I returned I did not leave the room. I stayed. I could not let you be alone once they had relieved Dr McCoy from his duties." I let my other hand cover his and squeezed it carefully. He felt so fragile between my palms, like one movement to many may just snap his bone clean in two.

"You have not left my thoughts. You are and always will be my friend, Jim." The silence was piercing as I allowed a tear to escape. It ran down my cheek and dripped onto the captains hand.

"I am sorry." I breathed out and wiped away the wet drop on his knuckles before leaning back in the chair. It was not as uncomfortable as I had once thought. My hand kept a hold of his as I leaned back and wiped away my emotions. "You have to wake up..." I mumbled as my eyelids grew heavier. I was on the verge of sleep and still I did not let go of his hand.

**Well, that chapter was longer than most of mine but I had quite a few feelings that I wanted to portray in this chapter. I hope you enjoyed it anyway and I will see you next time I update. Hopefully his chapter has updated properly this time because I do not want to go through all that rigmarole again! No way!**

**Also, any grammar, missing words or mistakes should now have been fixed. If I have missed any then feel free to tell me and I will get them sorted. There were a lot in this one and for that I am sorry. It is a habit of mine and even when proof reading it I do not see them for a day or two afterwards.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So, it has been a while since my last update! I got busy with school stuff. I would also like to apologise for the way that Chekov was written in the last chapter. I write at about 1 in the morning and for some reason my 1 o'clock brain decided that putting w's in all of Chekov's words was okay. It is not okay and re-reading several days later I appear to have annoyed myself. That will be changed as soon as I can and in any further chapters Chekov's accent will probably not be written in. You can all decipher that for yourself, haha. Anyways, onwards and I hope you find this next chapter up to scratch.**

**Show Me How Big Your Brave Is: Chapter 4**

I woke with start as Mr Chekov came hurrying into the captain's room. He looked at me with wide eyes as I blinked myself awake. To have to awaken myself must have meant that I slept at least a little. That was a change from my late nights of no slumber. I tilted my head to the side as I pulled out my communicator. It flashed brightly in my face, however it showed the time to be 9:23 in the morning. I had fallen asleep properly at around 2:30 that morning because I had continued to mumble my sleepy thoughts to the captain in hopes that maybe something would awaken him. Of course I knew that was unachievable, Mr Kirk would only awake when the radiation poisoning had been battled and the new blood was flowing normally.

I had woken at 6:36 I seemed to remember and then gone back to sleep at 7:42. It was no where near a full night's sleep and nor did I feel anymore awake than when I had last night but I did feel better in myself. I felt the captain's hand in mine as I turned my head towards his bed. It was warmer than last night, mainly because the heat from my own hand had been transferred but it was still lifeless and frail.

"Mr Spock! Mr Spock!" interjected the ensign, his voice was strained and nervous. "The weapons training started 20 minutes ago! They sent me to find you, I figured you would be here." I dropped the captain's hand on to my lap and forced myself to awaken instantly. I had not read the notes on the database, nor the ones that Lieutenant Uhura had written for me. I had not prepared and yet I was expected to be able to aim and fire a new phaser with confidence.

"I see." I started slowly, my mind working too slowly for me to able to process to deal with this situation, "I am sorry for being late. I shall be there in 10 minutes. Please explain my lateness to the weaponry technician on hand."

Mr Chekov nodded in response and was about to back out the door before turning and speaking to me once more.

"You spent the night, Sir?" he asked quickly and merely nodded. He smiled to himself before removing himself from the room and shut the door again. I wondered what the smile meant for a moment and then decided that the answer would not be of any concern to me and my primary concern of the moment should be how I was going to get through this weapons practice.

I got to my feet, carefully placing the captain's hand back on to his bed and brushing a few creases from my clothes. There was no time to go change them and I appeared to have slept in a generally upright position. No slouching had occurred to completely deface my clothing and so I decided that these clothes were presentable. I had been wondering why Doctor McCoy had not turned up at the crack of dawn and found me with the captain, but the fact presented itself to me that he too would be at the weapons practice.

As I walked to the door, I turned to face the bed.

"Thank you for listening, Captain." I nodded, remembering back to the night before where I had been unraveling how I felt to the captain. I paused in the door way and looked over him once more before leaving.

I was still tired, I had not eaten again this morning and I had not eaten since yesterday's lunch, apart from an oat bar that Lieutenant Sulu had coerced me into eating. It was worth noting that small snack had not been eaten because of a sudden growth in my appetite but because I wished for him to stop grumbling at me. The oat bar itself had made me feel positively sick for a good proportion of the afternoon but I made no complaints.

My main problem however was, despite the lack of sleep and food, I had not read any notes. Neither had I done any research into these weapons. As I stumbled along the corridor and towards the correct area of Starfleet I pondered to myself whether it would be worth doing the exercise, or whether I should just tell the weapons technician why I could not do the activity for today. My brain jumped back and forth between the two ideas before settling on one.

I would do the exercise and pretend that I had read the notes. The new phasers could not be that difficult to use, I was sure. Also, this would stop the rest of the crew members worrying about my capabilities and whether I was fit to work. Clearly I was, why would I not be?

I turned a corridor and was met by two large glass doors. Behind these doors sat the weapons practice hall. I could hear the laugh of Mr Scott, his accent struck me most as it carried on into his chuckle and resonated out of the hall and into the corridor that I was standing in. The other sound was the sound of a laser being released and hitting it's target. A sound that was not entirely strange in this kind of exercise. I pushed on the laugh doors and closed it quietly behind me after I walked in.

I had not been in this room for a little while now, I had had no need to do so until now. It had a tall ceiling, no windows and laser absorbent wall coverings. There were targets painted on to one wall and rows of dummies across another that I assumed were to practise targeting moving objects as I saw one of the models tip backwards and away from the destruction of the phaser. The floor was a simple grey colour and seemed to have no special features added to it.

"Good to see you, Mr Spock." spoke a familiar but light voice. I turned, my hands clasped behind my back as I did so to put a face to the voice. It turned out to be Lieutenant Carol Marcus, a face that I had not seen since we arrived back on Earth. She smiled at me, leaning her shoulder on a wall of the hall as she did so.

"Hello, Lieutenant. I did not expect to see you here." I stated and raised an eyebrow in her direction.

"I am the weapons expert that is teaching the crew about the new phasers today." she replied with a nod, "Although I am sure you will know all about that wouldn't you, Mr Spock." I widened my eyes just a little at this comment, unsure of what to reply with. "It would not surprise me if you had done extra research, given the extra time you have while the Enterprise is grounded." she continued and nodded slightly.

"Of course, Lieutenant, I am aware of the workings of these weapons." I replied, the lies that I could not normally have told were sleepily tumbling out of my mouth. As she turned away I frowned at myself for my words until I heard her speak.

"It didn't work." she muttered rather loudly to Lieutenant Uhura. She sighed and shook her head, aiming her phaser and shooting at a red target in anger. I assumed this was in anger. She just missed the middle and grumbled to herself.

"He's got to admit it sooner or later." Lieutenant Uhura replied under her breath as I moved away from the pair of them.

I walked to the edge of the line and placed myself next to Mr Chekov. He too shot at a target on the wall, his aim was a little less sharp than Lieutenant Uhura but the ensign did his best. I picked up a phaser and turned it over in my hands. I had just watched two of my fellow crew members shoot the same piece of weaponry but I had not paid heed to how they had done so. I mistake that I was beginning to regret.

The longer I stood here doing nothing, the more attention I was attracting. A couple of people had stopped to watch me shoot it for the first time and Lieutent Carol Marcus came walking back over to me.

"Go on then, Mr Spock! Let's see if this extra research paid off!" she chattered with a smile as I raised the phaser. I sense of anxiety came over me and my hands, as steady as they usually were, began to shake. I forced them to be still and realised that I could not find the trigger.

"Of course! As we all know! These phasers have a hidden trigger, it is designed so that enemies and non-members of Starfleet would be unable to use our own weapons against us!" The Lieutenant proclaimed to the rest of the crew and I mentally cursed myself. I fumbled around as I tried to find this trigger but to no avail.

As more and more of the crew stared across at me I lowered the weapon down towards the ground. I held it in my hands and turned to the group.

"I find it hard to work at my very best when I seem to have a crowd watching me." I said. My grip tightened around the phaser and the noise that had been filling the room until Lieutenant Marcus had spoken echoed once more.

A sudden pain hit my foot and my eyes widened in shock. I gritted my teeth greatly to stop myself from crying out in agony and I fell against a wall. A collective gasp was heard around the hall and Lieutenant Uhura clapped a hand so hard to her face that the vibrated around the whole hall.

"Dammit, man!" cried out Doctor McCoy as he rushed around the back of everybody. I did not dare look down, the pain was coming from my foot and I had a horrible idea of what I had just done to myself to cause so much pain. The doctor was the first one to reach me, Mr Chekov snapped out of his horror to come to my aid as well.

I was silent as I looked around the training room, peoples mouths were moving, people were talking loudly but it simply echoed around in my head. My brain felt empty and everything appeared to move in slow motion as Mr Chekov pulled my arm over his shoulder to support me as I felt myself falling sideways. A movement I was now grateful for. While most of the crew were talking among themselves, their eyes still fixed on me however, Lieutenant Uhura was not. She kept her eyes trained on my foot and the hand that was not over her mouth hung uselessly by her side. Mr Scott had come to her side though, placing a hand on her shoulder and talking in her ear.

She began to shake her head, I could not hear what Mr Scott was saying nor were my eyes clear enough to try and read his lips. I was sure he was trying to comfort her though, a deed that I could also be grateful for. Keenser had followed Mr Scott and had patted the Lieutenant's hand in comfort.

As I broke my eye contact from her I saw that Mr Chekov and Dr McCoy had been trying to get my attention. Slow motion was all I could see in as the pain from my foot began to travel into my ankle and I winced rather loudly. They looked panicked as I made a strange noise in my pain. I could see their lips moving.

The words of Dr McCoy seemed quiet although I was sure that he was shouting at me, fear in his eyes as I didn't respond.

**Okay, so definitely shorter than the last chapter. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I wanted to leave it there though. I hope you enjoyed it!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hello! I've been quite enjoying writing this multi-chapter! Angst and all that, haha. Thanks for the reviews, the favourites and the follows. They make me very happy when I see all those emails in the morning telling me so keep them coming, please! Honestly though, they can cheer me up no end.**

** Show Me How Big Your Brave Is: Chapter 5**

My hearing came back first. This, of course, meant that I had been comatose for a significant amount of time. It would sort out of issue I was having of not remembering how I had got to the position I was in now. My head was feeling sort of fuzzy, as if my brain was too small for my skull. This, however, was of course illogical and I was to assume that it was the normal feeling of coming back to consciousness. The pain in my foot that I remembered to be agonizing and tortuous was nothing more than a dull ache now. It was logical to assume that was the work of a heavy dosage of painkillers and hyposprays courtesy of Dr Leonard McCoy I was sure.

Before I opened my eyelids I heard the very familiar voice of Lieutenant Uhura building volume at a rather slow rate. As I started to be able to make out words and sentences I heard the tone of guilt in her voice.

"It's my fault..." Lieutenant Uhura choked out and I could only assume that she was crying as I had not yet opened my eyes. I felt a warm hand wrap around my own slowly. Their palm was gentle and they circled their thumb across the top of my hand as if trying to comfort me.

"It isn't, Uhura. You can't think like that." came a second voice. It was less familiar but one that I nonetheless recognised. It was Lieutenant Carol Marcus, I was certain. "It was me that got him to try and shoot the phaser. I thought he would back down and admit that he hadn't done the reading. I didn't expect him to carry it through." she spoke again.

"He did it to prove a point. I shouldn't have been so angry with him. It's just... I told him to go to medical and see Dr McCoy on Wednesday but he told me Spock hadn't been to see him at all. And then he tried to make out that he was reading the presentation from the lecture in the library and I was so angry at him but I realised that he hadn't read any what so ever before I left him last night and I was still angry with him even though I knew he hadn't done in anything. I still made out like I thought he had read the lecture because then I thought he would actually tell me what was wrong and why he hadn't done the reading even though he clearly planned to that day." rambled and gabbled Lieutenant Uhura. Her grip tightening on my hand as she spoke and her words flew from her mouth quicker and quicker. I could hear Lieutenant Marcus trying to console her but she simply broke down even further.

Suddenly, a large weight fell on to my chest and I felt the Lieutenant's soft brown hair spread out across my neck and arm. I became aware that she was crying into my shirt, obviously under the impression that I was still unconscious.

"It is okay, Nyota." I spoke out, my voice somewhat weaker and dryer than what I was hoping. Nonetheless I addressed her by her first name because I felt that this was an appropriate time to do considering her current status and situation.

I felt her sit up quickly, the weight on my chest vanishing and a small gasp escaped her. My eyes flickered open slowly and I tried to get accommodated to the bright lights of the hospital room.

"Sp-Spock.. Oh Spock!" she crumpled once more and began to cry on to Lieutenant Marcus' shoulder who gave me a welcoming nod and a smile.

"Welcome back, Mr Spock." she said, her voice a little shaky but I detected not hints of tears or crying emotions. She continued to comfort Nyota the best she could, offering her small pats on the shoulder and reassuring words into her ear.

"Thank you, Lieutenant." I replied, frowning slightly at my hoarse throat. "How long was I comatose for?"

"A day and half." spoke out a voice I was almost too glad to hear. I sighed softly as Dr McCoy came bustling into the room and relaxed as much as I could into the infuriatingly firm mattress I was laid on. "We kept you out cold though, you tried to wake up only a few hours after we got you down here to medical. You were in clear pain so I knocked you out almost straight away, kept you under until I was sure that the meds had kicked in and then let you come around in your own time. Seems you needed your sleep, Spock because it's taken you 10 hours to wake up." the doctor frowned at me from above.

"Indeed." I nodded slightly although any movement of my head made my brain rattle in my skull and I realised that I regretted it almost directly afterwards.

"You've battered your foot up, Spock. It'll be a while til you'll be able to walk on it again. I still can't believe that you shot yourself! What were you thinking, man?" he asked in an incredulous tone and I turned my head away from him, staring at the shockingly white wall. I was not willing to speak about the incident, nor that my lack of sleep, nutrition and sustenance had caused it. What would they think of me then? That I was too stubborn to seek help would be the most logical of conclusions. My head pounded from that one simple movement and I closed my eyes, slowly sinking into sleep once more. It was not hard to do so when my eyelids still felt like lead.

* * *

"He's sulking." grumbled the doctor who I heard fold his arms and I was sure was shaking his head as I slowly awoke.

"No, he's sleeping. Remember, he's had a tough time of it, Dr McCoy." said an unmistakable Russian accent,"Go easy on him. He hasn't exactly had it easy, remember?"

"Yeah well, neither have the rest of us and we haven't shot ourselves, starved ourselves or deprived ourselves of sleep now have we?" he continued to speak, his tone angry and frustrated but Mr Chekov seemed calm.

"Dr McCoy, you must remember something. The Keptin was Mr Spock's friend and one of the only ones that he will refer to in that way. He must be feeling so lonely by himself. He watched his closest friend die with his very eyes and he has nobody to comfort him." Chekov finished off with a small sigh and I heard him sink into one of those uncomfortable hospital chairs.

"We all watched him die, Mr Chekov. We all lost a friend that day." mumbled Dr McCoy to himself more than anything but the Russian still responded.

"Yes, but it has affected Mr Spock in ways we can not imagine and for reasons we are probably unaware of."

"Mr Chekov makes a good point, Sir." I had not realised that somebody else was in my room but I now came to realise that Mr Scott had indeed joined. I heard the doctor huff and complain to himself before leaving the room. Mr Chekov did not leave his seat however I heard the sound of somebody hastily walking out after Dr McCoy so I could only assume, unless there was more people in my room that I was not aware of, that Mr Scott had followed him out.

I turned my head to the source of Mr Chekov's voice and opened my eyes slowly. Once again the lights in this hospital room were infernally bright and I made a note to ask them to be dimmed. I was going to be blind everytime I woke up at this point and the piercing white lights burned my retinas and into my brain. A feeling that I was not exactly enjoying at this time.

Mr Chekov smiled down at me softly from his seat and I frowned and carried on blinking so that I could see. The young crew member must have noticed my discomfort as he stood up quickly and lowered the intensity of the lights. He did not speak, instead he waiting for me to start a conversation. It took me a while as I was more interested in working out the location of my room. I came to the conclusion that I was on the same ward that the captain was considering that the decoration and layout of this room was virtually identical to that of Mr Kirk's. The curtains sported the same pattern, the bathroom was adjacent to the cupboard and my bed was directly next to the window.

Finally I decided that I would make polite conversation with the ensign as I remembered he was sat in silence, twiddling his thumbs and staring at the ground. He seemed uncomfortable in his position but knowing his temperament and personality he would not be one to speak up about this. He would valiantly await me to speak, he would force a conversation upon me I was sure.

"Thank you," I started out quietly, leaning back on my arms to try and push myself into a sitting position. His head snapped to the side in shock as I emitted my grateful thanks to him as I struggled to maintain my seating arrangement. Mr Chekov kindly moved a few pillows to support me and allowed me to lean back on them. It was surprisingly comfortable. "Thank you for coming to my aid in the training hall." I finished quickly, "I am immensely grateful for your actions."

"You're welcome, Mr Spock." he replied, his Russian was thick on every word. "Would you like some water?" he asked, gesturing to the bedside table where Doctor McCoy, or another nurse, had left a jug full of water. I nodded in reply as I realised just quite how hoarse my voice was beginning to sound. I was not exactly thirsty but I came to the conclusion that, while under the supervision of medical, if I did not drink or eat voluntarily more forceful methods would be undertaken.

Mr Chekov acknowledged my nod and began to pour the water into a glass. I reached out an arm to take the cup from him when I noticed that my hand was shaking so I forced it to steady as I raised it too my mouth. I managed to drink half of the water before giving it back to him.

"How is your foot?" asked the inquistive young ensign, his head tilted his slight as he awaited my reply.

"It is..." I pondered for a moment, trying to pick a word that would describe the feeling in my foot. "Withstandable." I finished off. To me this meant that the pain I had felt 2 days previous was returning but I could manage it. I let the Russian interpret what he wanted from my response and watched him bite his lip as he nodded.

At that moment I remembered something. I had been unconscious for 1 and half days, I had then proceeded to sleep well into the second day as far as I was are. News on the captain had not been given to me for an unknown reason. Anything could have happened with Mr Kirk while I was asleep. He could be on the road to waking up, he could already be awake.

"Mr Chekov, how is the captain?" I asked, sitting up a little straighter in my bed and ignoring the fact that my foot was beginning to throb uncomfortably now.

"There has been no change, I am sorry to report." I nodded and slipped down beneath the covers again so that I was laying down.

"I understand."

I felt a strange feeling of deflation within in me, as if my hopes had been popped with a rather large and sharp pin. Mr Chekov appeared to pick on this as he sunk into his chair. I allowed my eyelids to feel heavy again but I could not sleep with the constant pain in my foot now returning. Luckily (or unluckily, I was not quite sure) Dr McCoy walked in carrying a rather large hypo. He didn't speak me, only rammed the pointy needle into my neck and waited 30 seconds for me to fall asleep. I was almost certain that the reason I was being injected at regular intervals was because of my lack of sleep so unless I began to find a regular sleep pattern the constant use of drugs to keep me asleep would not fade.

* * *

I woke only a mere two hours later. There was no longer anyone in my room, although Lieutenant Uhura had left a note depicting that she had come back while I was asleep. Looking around the now empty room I took in the silence of it. It was eerie. Unlike the captain's room there was not any machines beeping or whirring as I was not depending on anything to keep me alive. The only piece of medical apparatus in my room was new. It was a hoist and it appeared to be keeping my foot levitated. It did, unfortunately, mean that I was now unable to sit up comfortably so I chose to continue lying down.

I laid in the quietness of my room for a long time before I heard voices outside my room. A door shut opposite and the gruff, Southern drawl of Dr McCoy was unmistakable.

"It's not looking good, Sulu." he spoke, his silhouette now visible in the glass of my door. "I don't think Jim's going to wake up. It's been a week and still no sign of life at all." I heard the doctor's voice crack and the silhouettes disappeared leaving me to register what I had just heard.

I frowned at the empty room. I felt alone, more alone than I had done since we arrived back on Earth and more alone than I thought I could ever be.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I lost motivation in this story for the past week and for that I apologise. Hopefully I won't be leaving gaps between my chapters for that long much more. I hope you enjoy this chapter nonetheless.**

**Show Me How Big Your Brave Is: Chapter 6**

4 days had passed. 4 days since I had overheard the misfortune of my captain. Yet of course, I was not supposed to have heard. I assumed that was why they were speaking outside of my room and it in a hushed demeanor. However, nobody had taken into account that my superb hearing was one of my only abilities that was not being affected by my situation.

One by one, as I refused care and nutrition by Doctor McCoy, each of the crew members had taken their turns in coming to visit me. They would bait and hound at me to tell them why my manner and outlook had changed. As far as they were aware I had begun to eat once more while being confined to the room of this hospital. The news of the captain's condition had altered me. I no longer wished to make myself comfortable, to make myself eat, or drink. I barely slept, only pretended.

Each one of the crew would sit in silence as I sat staring blankly towards the wall. It would always be them to start the conversation. As much of a conversation they could have while I essentially refused to provide a response. Eventually their small talk would make a turn towards my well being and then, after a lot of procrastination on their part, they would ask me why I was being so _distant. _This is where I would provide a response. Duplicated every time.

_"I do not wish to discuss that matter." _

They would nod in reply, biting their tongue in order to stop themselves continuing before excusing themselves hastily only ten minutes later. I would be left alone, able to stare at that blank, white wall to my hearts content. I was forcing myself awake constantly now. I would not sleep. Not until my captain woke.

_If my captain woke._

I was painfully aware how unlikely that notion would be but I clung to it. It kept me alive. The small part of me that knew that my captain was strong made me take care of myself. I would take enough water to keep me, a half-Vulcan, out of constant danger of severe dehydration. I would accept the food that Doctor McCoy insisted on pumping into my system via tubes and hyposprays but I would not take anything out of choice. As for sleep, I didn't need that. Yes, I was incoherent at times but sleep was not necessary.

On the occasional moments where sleep would be induced by Dr McCoy himself it was filled with horrors that I wished not to repeat. Mr Kirk's death made a reoccurring appearance, as did memories of various missions where he managed to get himself injured. However, sometimes, images of imagined moments were seen. Mr Kirk's funeral. Doctor McCoy crying by his comatose state. Mr Kirk's gravestone. A memorial plaque in his memory. I did not wish to sleep for I did not wish to live the moments that were not certain to be created.

For now I would keep staring at that wall, maybe even change my gaze to the view of the outside world every once in a while. It was too busy to watch for long. People were going about their lives, unaware that one of the greatest men, one of the greatest captain's of Starfleet, was lying on his deathbed with only days to go before the doctors were to stop trying.

I felt I should not belong to species that stopped all their emotions; not even as a half member. I was not capable of this. I could not subdue that feeling of anger that I was supposed to contain. How was it that my father managed to stay quite so calm during Mother's death? How was it that he did not cry upon realising she was never to return to his life? Here I was, supposedly belonging to the species of logic and control, and I could not stop myself from wanting to sulk. A child-like action that a grown man should not execute.

I was supposed to be fine in my own company but I felt a loneliness that I had not experienced before, not even as a child in Vulcan. I was having doubts on my independence. If I followed logically it seemed that these feelings had only begun to occur during the time of Mr Kirk's death. These feelings had then been multiplied exponentially upon hearing that he may not wake. Was I interdependent after all? Was the side that I had worked so hard on concealing for many a year finally making an ungainly entrance?

I sighed to myself. Too many questions for my brain to try and answer when I was running on such low sustenance.

There was possibly one member of the Enterprise's crew that I was willing to see. One that I enjoyed the company of during this time. Mr Chekov had been to see me more times than I could count of the past 5 and a half days that I had been in this room. I had been informed by Lieutenant Sulu that he had been a regular visitor of mine while I was unconscious. I found that I had not given the boy enough credit before. He was extremely intelligent and he could talk for the longest time without expecting a reply in return; something I found pleasing. He did not have to hold up a one-sided conversation with me because I found myself responding most times.

Mr Chekov was interesting, he clearly had refreshing pieces of information to tell me. It was not gossip as Lieutenant Uhura tended to tell me during her times with me. Instead he would tell me of new technology that they were fitting the Enterprise with during her period of rest. He would tell of his studies during his time at Starfleet and the interesting dissertation that he had read. Granted I too had read that dissertation while still aboard the Enterprise last month but his take on the meanings and analysis' were different and it was not a terrible idea to gain knowledge of the workings of another person's view.

One thing that made Mr Chekov's visits more enjoyable were that the conversation was never turned to me. He would never insist on stringing out information that I wished not to give. He recognised my choices to keep my emotions to myself. For that I was grateful. If there were on person that I wished to be visiting me then I would be sure to have picked him. Of course, if Mr Kirk were conscious then there would be no doubt that he would be my first choice but given the situation Mr Chekov was certainly a fine stand in. He never left in silence but with a cheery smile, a wave and happy "Goodbye, Mr Spock!" as he walked out the door. Not once had I seen him linger by my door to talk to Dr McCoy as everybody else seemed to do. He would go on with his business until the next time that he came.

I was pondering over these thoughts that had filled my brain for the past hours as Dr McCoy walked into my room. He stopped by the end of my bed and took off the clipboard that hung over the edge.

"You gonna eat today, Spock? Or am I going to have take the forceful measures?" he asked with one eyebrow raised and an exhausted look. He was pleading for me to take what I needed in the simplest way it was plastered across his face.

"I am not hungry, Dr McCoy." I stated, staring at him with empty eyes.

"I thought as much." he grumbled as he took out a hypospray from his case. He held it up to the light and the clear inside lit up, the metal needle glinting in the sun. "Hold out your arm." I obeyed his command and rolled up my left sleeve before giving him clear access. He inserted the needle, pushing it's contents into my bloodstream and disposed of the empty syringe. Dr McCoy was kind enough to roll down my sleeve for me before placing my arm back onto the bed. "How's your foot doing? Any pain?"

"None, you appear to be using heavy medication on it. I cannot feel anything, nor can I move it." I replied. There was no lie involved in this response. My foot may as well have been amputated because as far as I was aware it was not there. It was constantly numb and on the rare occasion that it was not the pain was a dull throb because the amount of medication used could not wear off quickly enough before more was administered.

"That is the point." responded the doctor wearily. He then did something that I was not expecting. He drew up the chair from my bedside and sat himself down. Looking me in the eyes Doctor McCoy tried to give me a sympathetic look but I was overwhelmed by obvious tiredness. He had dark purple circles, more wrinkles than I was aware of and a prominent redness to his eyes. "I need to admit something to you, Spock. However, I think you already know what I am going to say." The doctor gave me a disapproving look.

"Go on, I am sure any new information will be valuable to me."

"Jim, may not survive," He began. It was obvious he was not going to cut corners or soften any explanation now. "He has been comatose for a week and 5 days without any sign of life. He has not responded to our efforts at all. We're going to give him another 3 days... else we're going to have to stop trying." he bit his bottom lip and looked up at me.

"I am... aware." I replied, searching for the most appropriate work available.

"Yeah, I thought you might be." Doctor McCoy said, eyeing me suspiciously with the shake of his head, "What I really need to tell you is that I know you're giving up. If Jim does go. If we do lose him, then you're going to have to start taking care of yourself because that last thing our crew wants is for our First Officer to lose his battle as well."

He stood quickly and placed a hand on my shoulder. Squeezing it tightly until it would have become uncomfortable for a regular human he managed to make himself let go, leaving me a little perplexed and almost shocked.

"We'll be assessing your foot later this afternoon." The doctor added as he placed his clipboard and back on the steel framework of the bed. I raised an eyebrow at him as if to question this. "Well, we've got to see how it's doing!"

A strong headache began to arose and I pushed myself down into a laying position.

"My God, man! Are you going to sleep? Better leave you to it then!" Doctor McCoy pretended his shock and quickly left the room, closing the door behind him and drawing down the little blind that covered the small glass window.

No, I was not going to sleep. He should have been aware of that. I did not sleep, I had made that perfectly clear. However, my headache was raging across my temples and piercing into the back of my mind so adopting this flatter position seemed logical. I stared at the ceiling now instead of the wall. It was just as blank, just as white. This one did have a a few patterns dotted through the paint work where the brush changed direction abruptly and the paint had dried with strange brush strokes in it. My eyes followed them until my head pounded too much to keep them open.

Closing them was relaxing, I would have to admit but I would not sink so far as to sleep. No. Captain Kirk could awaken and I could miss it because of my foolish need for sleep. I forced them open again and my head continued to throb, harder and more incessant this time so my eyes shut once more.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hello everybody. I took a long time uploading this chapter too. I keep saying I'll do it quicker but it's not working out that way now is it. Anyway, enjoy.**

**Show Me How Big Your Brave Is: Chapter 7**

_I opened my eyes slowly. Something was different. My left hand was warm and enclosed in the palm of another. Turning my head to the side I saw a figure standing over me. A nervous smile was clear across his face._

_"Evening, Spock." He said, flashing me a mischievous grin that I instantly recognised._

_"Captain..." I breathed, frowning up at the person. It was him, there was no mistaking it. That smile, his voice, those eyes. It was definitely him. He kept my hand enclosed and rubbed his thumb across the top it as a sign of comfort._

_"How're you feeling, buddy?" He asked, tilting his head as he waited for an answer._

_"I am... better." I nodded, frowning slightly as my neck was stiff from the way I had slept. It was not a lie. The sight of his face had caused something to stir within me. I could not help but smile up at him as he grinned down at me. I felt alive. I did not feel alone._

But I was alone. Coughing loudly I woke up. My head was pounding even harder now and I was alone. My captain was not there. There was no hand on top mine and no smile to brighten my mind. As I cleared my vision by blinking multiple times I became aware of the extreme pain in my foot.

I lurched myself up in the bed and shouted out in agony. I had not remembered it hurting like that before. However I had been, of course, under the influence of many painkillers and the effects of constant hyposprays. I was not aware of the help they had given me before but I missed them now. The pain seared through the base of my foot, spreading to my ankle and half way up my leg. I grimaced loudly and clutched at the bed sheets either side of me.

I generally excelled at controlling my pain. I would not succumb to it and therefore it could not affect my work. I was trying now, I was trying to block it out but I was failing. This too was strange.

As I racked my mind to come up with a reason that I could accept I remembered what I had been doing to myself. How I had forgotten it remained a mystery. My own foolish actions were giving me pain.

"Doctor McCoy... Doctor McCoy!" I shouted out from my room. The man's face appeared at my door an instant; he must have been in Jim's room beforehand and to hear to a shout from me was certainly not normal. He let himself into my room and I watched his face contort in worry.

"Spock? What's wrong?" He asked me quickly, making his way to my bedside as I winced loudly.

"My foot. I have never experienced such pain as this!" I replied. The Doctor nodded and went quickly to his cupboard. He pulled out a hypospray that was filled with a strange green liquid and two tablets. He handed the tablets to me and I took them gratefully, picking up the water from my bedside table and swallowing the pills. He then proceeded to prepare my ankle. I fought against the will to move away from his touch, grabbing a hold of the bed sheets once more. He was not rough but any pressure upon my limbs was causing me pain that I could not stand. It took him seconds to inject the liquid and only 40 more til it began to work.

I sighed in relief, the pain fading quickly to a dull throb and I was able to relax. I released my grip from the bed sheets and closed my eyes.

"I am grateful, Doctor." I spoke quietly and he nodded back. He threw away the empty syringe into a nearby bin and smiled as an attempt to comfort me. I laid down was more and rubbed my eyes. Once I opened them again I saw Doctor McCoy checking my notes and his schedule.

"You're due to have an assessment on your injured foot this afternoon. That was the reason that we held back on the dosage of painkillers so we could get accurate results. However, I don't think an assessment at this time is a good idea." He explained, looking at me with sad eyes that he barely attempted to hide.

"It is your choice." I replied. I agreed with the Doctor. I did not feel up to walking today. I noticed that a nurse had brought me a pair of crutches while I had been sleeping. They were propped up against my window but the assessment would include walking on my injured foot and after the experience I had just been through I did not want to go through that again today.

I was however, facing the burning need to empty my bladder. I looked over at the crutches again. I could use those, I would not have to put pressure on my injury. I thought this over in my brain before deciding that it was worth trying to do.

"Would you mind if I just went to the toilet, Doctor?" I asked slowly, looking up at him. He looked surprised at my question, blinking a few times before nodding.

"Yes, of course you can." He said, pointing towards my chamber's bathroom. I shook my head.

"No, I wish to use the ones in the corridor. It is about time I left my room."

Doctor McCoy stared for a little while in shock. It was the truth though, my room was becoming less and less appealing as each hour went by. I still did not feel like eating or drinking but the boredom was getting to me in here. I could not deal with staring at a blank white wall much longer.

He brought over the crutches and watched intently as I fiddled them into the correct position to hoist myself out of the bed. I stood quickly, a sudden turn of dizziness overcoming me. I had been laying down for too long and the change had caused my head to swim nauseatingly but I held myself together well.

Making sure I was steady on my crutches I made my way towards the door slowly. It was a long process but I quickly figured out how to use them. It was logical and not exactly difficult. Doctor McCoy held my door open for me as I passed through and into the hallway. Jim's door opposite mine and I caught a glimpse of his comatose form. His expression had not changed and neither his position. Of course, I expected nothing else.

I carried on down the corridor, passing a few nurses to moved to the side to let me wobble past. They nodded at me with smiles but I ignored them as much as possible. I did not want their praise. It was patronising.

I hopped as gracefully as possible, trying to calculate how long it would take me to get there. I was midway through working it out when a man in a red shirt turned a corner into my view. I frowned, peering down the long expanse.

"Mr Scott?" I said, tilting my head. He let out a large grin, expanding his arms as I hobbled up to him slowly.

"Ah, hello Sir!" He called back, his Scottish accent thick in his voice. "I was just on my way back from seeing Jim! I did a lap of the medical bay to stretch my legs than I was going to pop in on you."

I nodded about to ask why he was meeting me this way down the corridor if he had just been to see the Captain. I deemed his explanation as satisfactory and so stopped my further questions.

"I see, well I am fine. How was Mr Kirk?" I asked, not really wanting the answer. I already knew and he wouldn't have changed.

"No difference." He replied, "Where were you going?"

"The bathroom." I stated simply and he immediately stepped back.

"I should allow you get going then." I nodded in thanks and passed him, aware that he was watching me down the corridor.

It took me another 9 minutes and 43 seconds to reach the male bathroom and another nurse held this door open for me too. They seemed to be everywhere in this part of the medical bay. It was then I remembered that I was in the intensive care unit. I would not have known I was there if I hadn't have been visiting Jim for days before my accident. I hadn't actually been out of my room.

I clattered about with my crutches, opening the bathroom door to leave with a few issues regarding the placement of the door handle. I was made my way back down the hall as nurse came running up to me. She was panting a little, looking like she had just run the length of the medical bay.

"Captain James T. Kirk has woken." She said, now bending over to catch her breath. "Doctor McCoy told me to tell you straight away. You were to be the first that was told."


End file.
